Response to LindaX

“We had community for a good stretch, then it committed suicide. I used to look forward to hopping on and chatting with Feli or Owlie or Nemy or Kaen or Cerwyn or Cyrinic or Sylvander or ...”

And I managed to pick a fight with each and every one of them. For some reason, I just can't help tapping on the fish tank.

“I consider Ruleviolator a member of my community . . .”

OMFG! You consider Ruleviolator part of your community?!? So, Twink and I are running an instance and we pug him. Now, he was 70, so we figured it was o.k. The warlock makes a soulwell and he marvels at it and asks what it is. Seriously! About 10 minutes later we have a bad pull and wipe [it happens . . . especially with me]. His response is to tell us something to the effect that we aren’t a good enough group for him and quits.

“Another difference between me and you and Twink (and yeah, I put Twink in this category I think) is that you guys ran through the content as quickly as possible to reach the goal. I stopped to smell the ogres more than you did . . . “

And that difference, if I can speak for Twink here, isn’t just that we felt the need to consume content. There is some of that, but the greater impetus is folks expect us to lead [I have no fucking idea why] . . . and you can only lead if you are out in front.

Once upon a time when I was first rolling my first toon, I picked “warrior” as the class as it was the best suited to protect Hallgrima. Now, not blaming her because I think it is my personality regardless, but the choice from then to now was to protect. Twink rolled a healer for, I am assuming, the very same reasons.

I wish I could post all the conversations that Twink and I have had privately. They would reveal two men who take the obligation of servant leadership seriously. Leveling a warrior or a priest are at the bottom of the list for ease. Living them is equally uneasy as every wipe is one of our faults. And as ViaMedia becomes more surly and Twinklheal more silent . . . it makes sense to me.

We failed to run Old Hillsbard last weekend. I was the one to call to put the tag on its toe and the first to log off, but it didn’t just end there with me. I felt like I had failed my friends. My play was sloppy and . . . [I can always find ways to criticize my own play]. Back to the “ViaMedia is a Bad Player” post, since then it weighs heavy on me [and I know on Twink] when we can’t compensate enough to overcome the obstacles.

As a warrior [and I am assuming as a Priest], I have a belief that I am the margin of error. If I had just pulled agro off one more guy . . . If I had just popped that talent . . . if I had just switched stances one more time . . . If . . .

This isn’t a boo hoo . . . I picked my roll [rolled my roll] and I try to fulfill it [again, as I think Twink would agree]. I’ve spent many hours outside the game studying and researching because that is my roll. I’m supposed to know the pulls. I’m supposed to know the bosses. Why? Because I’m supposed to be the guy on point . . . at the front of the group. And I think that is what leads us both to consume the content and to the brink of burnout. It is a heavy burden sometimes, but one we took upon ourselves.

I am also assuming that guild leaders experience the same frustration and burn out. Not just the burden of command, but I think the tools to do both . . . well . . . suck. It's always pushing the rock up hill . . . it's always an effort even for the simple things. For a game that is supposed to be communal, it is often only so in spite of the game tools.

Anyway, I ran tonight with The Mayor and loved every moment. I ran the other night with Saami and loved every moment. There is just nowhere forward for me to go [Correction: ViaMedia . . . plenty of places for "me" to go] in the game that holds any interest. Until the next event or expansion, I'm content with just helping folks out as they need, but no longer feel the need to play . . . or to push.